On June 12, 2015, I went to take my ACTs for the second
time. But this time I was not in my school, in uniforms, or surrounded with my
friends. I was in a different school.
A public school.
Now, my high school is
not a normal high school. My high school is a charter school. It has
uniforms and a more difficult education preparing us for college.
My senior class has 8 girls and 6 boys. So my
class is small. But I am so close to all of the girls in my class. Of course it
is not perfect but I was pleasantly surprised that in this tiny school, all the
girls in my class are Christians.
Most of the girls in my class also love to
learn. Which was awesome for me because I have a much more higher motivation to
learn with all my friends getting excited about functions and integrals or what
Aristotle says about friendship; which I probably would not have had motivation to learn
about on my own.
Then there were the uniforms. The uniforms at my
high school were more strict than the ones I had in middle school or in
elementary school. All I could were was a white polo shirt with our school logo
on it and kaki pants/shorts or a paid skirt. And for a girl in high school, I
had my moments of anger because I felt restricted and not allowed to express myself.
On June 15, for a short time at least, I got to
experience what it would be like to be in a "normal" high school
classroom: lots of people, huge building and normal clothes.
At about 8, I arrive.
There is a huge crowd of people lining up outside
to take the ACTs. As I walk from my car to the building, the line starts to go
in. I get in line and look at the people in front of me. One of the first
things I notice was the difference in all the peoples' clothes.
There are girls in leggings and plaid shirts,
short shorts with T-shirts and work-out outfits. Their are pretty outfits, and then some that I don't prefer.
Friends dressed alike and the strangers next to them have a different style.
I am dressed in one of my nicer shirts and cute
shoes and jeans. My hair is up in a bun and I did my makeup as well.
As I walk into the building, I am kind of lost. I
don't know which classroom to go to and there are so many people. I just
want to blend in and not stick out as a strange person who doesn't even know what she is doing.
Finally, I walk into the classroom I am going to
test in and I give the teacher my registration paper feeling like
everyone in the classroom is looking at me. I am just hoping they were seeing
how friendly I am instead of the fact that I was one of the last ones in the
classroom and I am alone. I go to sit down in my desk, feeling a bit as
if I was going to somehow mess up just sitting in my desk because I had not ever sat in that type of desk. As I look around, I notice the different clothes again and I
start placing the people in different friend groups in my head. Some looked
like they were more athletic so I placed them in the "jock" section.
Some looked like they were put together and studious so I put them into the
more "studious" section. And some looked like they just didn't quite fit
in so I thought that others may think of them as the "weirdos" who
looked like they didn't care about school or others or anything really.
Looking back at it, I honestly don't like that my mind put everyone
in boxes because of the way they looked but it is honesty hard not to when
this is your first day in a high school surrounded by kids in normal clothes.
It felt so weird to be in that environment. I
felt so different. So self-conscience. So insecure. Wanting to feel ok and
accepted but feeling alone and separated from everyone else.
I sat there and looked around and it seemed like
because of the clothes people had on, some people would be considered
"cooler", "more put together" or " more beautiful"
than others.
A few hours go by and it is time for break. I go
to the restroom and as I am washing my hands, I notice the girls around me and
I see how we are all dressed so differently. I see how some of the girls are
just so pretty and even though I was dressed nicely, I still
avoided looking too long in the mirror because the next thing I look at,
after my clothes was my face. And even then I feel as if I was not pretty
because of my skin.
This was so weird for me. For the most part, I am
pretty comfortable with who I am and the body God gave me. But in this school, I felt different. I felt like there was some sort of competition to be
the most "something" in order to stand out or to be noticed in a good way. I
mean, I avoided the mirror because I didn't feel pretty enough.
After I finish my testing, I am ready to leave. I
walk to my car fast because at this point I just want to be around my own
friends and family. People that accept me no matter what I wear.
As I am in my car trying to drive out of the
parking lot, I notice the car behind me in my rearview mirror. It is a boy
driving his girlfriend in his car. Then I think about how I didn't have a
boyfriend. I thought "Wow. I bet others feel self conscience like I do now
because they are not in relationships." Thinking my insecurity about not
having a boyfriend was immature and petty of me, I asked myself "Well, why
is that such a desirable thing?" I realized it is because we all want to
feel loved and noticed. And the people in the relationship seem loved and
noticed by their boyfriend or girlfriend so I understand why that is so
desirable.
I also thought about the fact that the girl
driving next to me had a car like me. I looked at her and thought "I bet
she is thought of as cooler or luckier because she has a car." I didn't
feel jealous (I have a car), I just could understand why others would feel
insecure without a car.
I finally got home and thought about what I had
experienced.
I can see how both girls and guys can feel so
insecure when going to a public high school. This is more than just "high
school".
This is spiritual battleground.
The desires to be noticed and be loved are not in
any way bad. God made each of us to have these desires. But the way we all fill
these desires can either hurt or help us.
If we search for acceptance from the people
around us through this competition of who is the something-est or the most
something, we will be left feeling not good enough, empty, and alone. Searching
for acceptance through status or materials distracts us from searching for
God's everlasting love. The Devil wants us to feel unimportant to others. He
wants us to try and earn love through material things because he knows that it
will leave us always feeling not good enough and wanting more.
God loves all of us just the way we are. He loves
us for us. Not for the things or the status we have. He does not compare us to others. He doesn't love us based
on how "loveable" we think we are to others. He loves who we are. We are His
sons and daughters and he finds each of us precious and worthy of love. No
matter whether we have the coolest car and the best clothes or if we have no
car and have to wear uniforms.
Search for love from God. He is the only one who
can help you feel truly loved and complete.
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